My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
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SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie