Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.