Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
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This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today