Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
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*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it