You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
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I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!