I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
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things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”
I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges
I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is