Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

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[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?


My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.


The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from


The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.


The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.


[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.


nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.


The only way I’m listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost


You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.


boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?