@JohnLyonTweets

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

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@squirrel74wkgn

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

@Getnosexual

My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.

@Kennedydp5

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

@drinksmcgee

The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.

@notalogin

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

@Lisabug74

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

@dannyschof81

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

@McNevich

The only way I’m listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost

@tsm560

You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.

@pilau

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?