Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My current situation
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”