Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.