All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.
All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Fool me once: Nice I wasn’t paying attention, good game.
Fool me twice: you know I smoke a lot of pot. This can’t be very challenging for you.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Kid: I just wanted to see you.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter