I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
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Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging