I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
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You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2