Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
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Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
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Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”