Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
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her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
road rage
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?