Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

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all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage


Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away


My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you


Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.


Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.


[walking into a mattress store]

Me: [smiling too hard]

Manager: You can’t jump on the beds.

Me: [no longer smiling]


Starbucks messed up Kate’s order. Kate’s white. How done is she?
a.) 100% done
b.) 300% done
c.) SO done
d.) She can’t even


Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.


Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.