all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
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Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[walking into a mattress store]
Me: [smiling too hard]
Manager: You can’t jump on the beds.
Me: [no longer smiling]
Starbucks messed up Kate’s order. Kate’s white. How done is she?
a.) 100% done
b.) 300% done
c.) SO done
d.) She can’t even
Ramen again? This guy’s a mess.
-mice in my kitchen
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.