@shegotagronk

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

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@iinkedZombie

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

@juliussharpe

I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.

@GinAndJif

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

@MelvinofYork

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

@Sickayduh

Rose: I’m so cold.

Jack: Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and- fine, you can have my damn hoodie

@CornerPubRon

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

@Darlainky

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

@patnspankme

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

@AllanForsyth

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.