Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

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I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.


I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.


If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.


Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand


Rose: I’m so cold.

Jack: Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and- fine, you can have my damn hoodie


After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.


Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.


my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back


My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.