Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
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I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
bias laundering edition
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Sheep
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Sign at work today
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously