@LeslieInMpls

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

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@PabloGSerski

Justin Bieber’s to be the new face of Calvin Klein. Awful news given he does such a terrible job of being the current face of Justin Bieber.

@seamussaid

dude told me he did a line with Emma Watson but I know he was lying –
she’s British, they call them “queues”

@atanya1111

At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.

@Eric_Bader

If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.

@tastefactory

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

@StoneAgeRadio13

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

@carlyken

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

@kristygee

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.