@LeslieInMpls

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

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@aka_fatman

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

@ThisOneSayz

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

@HomeProbably

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

@anniealone23

So you’re into the “bad boy” type? The kind who has a dark side, a tough childhood, breaks the law, everyone knows his name but dare not speak it, could use a nose job and a manicure?
Yeah, that’s Voldemort. You’re into Voldemort.

@wolfpupy

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

@Browtweaten

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

@GrowlyGrego

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.