Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I just ran a .003048K
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
So you’re into the “bad boy” type? The kind who has a dark side, a tough childhood, breaks the law, everyone knows his name but dare not speak it, could use a nose job and a manicure?
Yeah, that’s Voldemort. You’re into Voldemort.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.