Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”