fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
the saddest jazz hands ever
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Lol.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?