@SentenceReduced

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

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@ericsshadow

Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

@Nonnie_Linda

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

@buckweiser13

Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.

@philmann

Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

@roxiqt

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

@ninjadinosaur1

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

@WildeThingy

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

@AmishPornStar1

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

@FredTaming

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes