Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
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Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
took too long to spell doubt
Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.
Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes