Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
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Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Why I divorced her.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Education is vital
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people