Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
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I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Never ask Google for relation advice.
I’ve gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Dating is wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!