Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I know
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.