Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Baking is just science you can eat.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*