FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.