My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
me: would not recommend
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[walking into my intervention]
me: is this about me talking to myself
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.