*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

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My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.


nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars


me: would not recommend


artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers


[walking into my intervention]

me: is this about me talking to myself

me: yes


The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga


Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ


When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.


I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.


Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.


The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.