@UnFitz

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

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@sofarrsogud

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

@clichedout

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

@rachelle_mandik

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

@videojames_

[walking into my intervention]

me: is this about me talking to myself

me: yes

@Robert_Beau

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

@BoogTweets

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

@OctopusCaveman

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

@Kvy_kv

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

@JohnHilsen

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.