*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.