[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
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[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Okay
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.