Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

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boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N


Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.


If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.


Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”


Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God


Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day


[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid


Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it