Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
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I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
This a good idea
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.