Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
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I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?