For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
boat question
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.