For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
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Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.