(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that