Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours
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This is the only criticism of millenials I will accept
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.