@kendraaaleighh

For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours

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@ArfMeasures

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

@FattMernandez

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

@DatingLeah

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

@squirrel74wkgn

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

@Skoog

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

@clichedout

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

@OfficialBanks93

If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working

@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.