MEGAN: What are you up to
MEGHAN: Whaht ahre yhou uhp toh
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
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Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
[CON WALKS FREE]
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!