@Home_Halfway
MEGAN: What are you up to
MEGHAN: Whaht ahre yhou uhp toh
@sofarrsogud
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
You Might Also Like
@Home_Halfway
@Sassafrantz
Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.
@BoomBoomBetty
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
@BlindChow
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
@SarahArcherM
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
@SexySpainNights
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
@TheRealNickKay
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
@ch000ch
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
@Ideal_Victoria
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
@ThisOneSayz
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!