For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

You Might Also Like


Ghosts are pretty cool because they can literally do anything they want, but they choose to hide my keys.


Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.


[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet


day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet


When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!


WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon


ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know


Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*


Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!