For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You Might Also Like
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Batman v Dracula
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
New favorite tiktok
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper