For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
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Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Who does Amazon think I am?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
How can I say no to this ?
Same pineapple, same
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.