For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
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My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”