For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
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-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.