For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

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I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.


my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon


No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don’t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March….. I got this.


Kurt Cobain: I feel stupid

Me: Don’t be so hard on yourself

Kurt Cobain: And contagious

Me: What the fuck man why aren’t you at home


“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.


Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg


I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.


Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.


I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.


Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!