@badbanana

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

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@dumbbeezie

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

@rev_revolver

once a woman in the mall said “isn’t everything cuter with babies?!” and jeff replied “not coffins” and just stared at her until she cried

@realHamOnWry

I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.

@shariv67

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

@Diversion50

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

@HatfieldAnne

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

@_Tempo11

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

@CryptoNature

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

@iamspacegirl

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick