For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
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Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Still my favourite meme.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?