For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

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You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.


once a woman in the mall said “isn’t everything cuter with babies?!” and jeff replied “not coffins” and just stared at her until she cried


I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.


Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?


“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.


Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.


My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.


Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.


Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick