@badbanana

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

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@timdonakowski

Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Basic white girl [laughing]: Yasssss omg I’m dying!

Takes Everything Literally Todd [shocks her with a defibrillator]: NOT ON MY WATCH!

@DaHess1

Dear Airlines,

We never really turn the phones off.

Signed,
Everyone

@KKAlThani

Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.

@Smooheed

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

@GrillinChillin9

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

@stockejock

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

@blade_funner

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

@2facedshepherd

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)