@RunOldMan

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

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@buttgh0st

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

@SwanieChicken

Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he’s my twitter husband.
Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

@baronvonbike

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

@MissHavisham

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

@TrophyWifeDayna

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

@xosm

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes