For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

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Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.


* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking


I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend.
You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.


Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it


her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*