For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
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Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”