WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
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crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)