For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
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hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”