@HeelyRiddler

for all #parents out there

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@weinerdog4life

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

@Cheeseboy22

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

@ZackBornstein

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

@MandaPie1981

Having been married for awhile, I’m out of touch. Is it ok to date several guys or just one at a time? I asked my husband, he just got pissy

@better_off_dad2

Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.

@TheMichaelRock

Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.

@chuuew

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?