“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
You Might Also Like
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Gemma Correll
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.