For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
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Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Breaking news:
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
respect
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.