For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
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If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses