For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel