@peterjames48

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

- @peterjames48

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@BadAssB48546279

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

@Papa_Mex

But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?

@NOTVIKING

date: so what are your hobbies?

me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight

@UnFitz

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

@kylekinane

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

@MoneypennyNaked

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

@TommyKarate

Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.

@rockymomax

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.