@peterjames48

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

- @peterjames48

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@just1fool

My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

@JohnLyonTweets

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

@3sunzzz

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

@Matty_Softmitts

So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? “Bob hurt one bird. He’s very sorry.”

@stephenjmolloy

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

@DrDogMD

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?