For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
You Might Also Like
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I’m good, thanks.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Hilarious if literal: arms race
me when i see my girls butt
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it