Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Inside you there are two wolves
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.