For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
You Might Also Like
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”