@Classy_Cassy89
You know you’re drunk when the cat barks.
@sarcasticmommy4
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
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@Classy_Cassy89
@sixfootcandy
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
@momTruthBomb
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
@TheSharona06
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
@DaddyJew
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
@iwearaonesie
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
@Rollinintheseat
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
@dlicj
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
@MarlonBrandNO
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
@AndrewNadeau0
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?