@sarcasticmommy4

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

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@sixfootcandy

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

@momTruthBomb

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

@TheSharona06

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

@DaddyJew

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

@iwearaonesie

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

@Rollinintheseat

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

@dlicj

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

@MarlonBrandNO

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

@AndrewNadeau0

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?