@Marlebean

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

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@carlyken

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

@MissHavisham

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

@Habbibti

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

@TheBoydP

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

@TheBoydP

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

@GrowlyGrego

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.