“I’m here for the blood.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.