For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Lmao
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.