For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.