For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
You can’t rush stupid.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea